Love. Love hurts. Love leads to alimony and child support. Love is expensive. ---- Dead Beat Dad
So another Lover’s Day is in the books… another Valentine’s has grinded its way through our hearts
and calendars, and checkbooks. Another million boxes of chocolates were exchanged. Another gillion of those little heart shaped candies, the chalky ones that say things like ‘SMILE’ or ‘ HUGS’ or—the one that made us blush when we were kids—‘KISS ME’, have been shoveled down our love hungry throaths. I’m sure another thousand kids were conceived… and I’m sure someone who has diabetes, and doesn’t yet know it… may have woken up today with a fever. It is sad to think that those are truly the two ends of the after Valentines Spectrum. You either awaken the next morning with your little lover snuggled up next to you, or you awaken alone with sucrose all over your mouth and bed, and a dizzy feeling, because you probably contracted something from using candy to fill your lonesome void. (Take that sentence however you like.) Its sad, but its fact.
I’m not saying it’s a bad holiday. I enjoy the whole idea behind ‘El Dia de la’more’…. The idea of a special day to show your affection… but I think its’ a holiday that is biased against those that have no special someone to love. I mean Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza are holidays that everyone can celebrate whether or not they have that ‘special someone’ in their life. Additionally, anyone can be a part of Easter, even if they don’t have a special little bunny hopping through their garden. As well, no one stops a goblin on Halloween and asks them if they are ‘currently involved’. And Punxatawney Phil doesn’t have to pop out of his hole, followed by some little hole-whore, in order for us to take into account his February weather predictions. But,Valentine’s Day is different. You have to have someone… or the holiday doesn’t really apply to you. So I’m thinking of flipping the script. How about an ‘anti-Valentine’s’ day ?? Hmm??
How about a box of chocolates shaped like Chernobyl… or Shannon Doherty—two places where love doesn’t exist?? How about a bunch of those little hearts that speak from the darker, unlovelier (that is a word… at least for now), lonelier side of life? With sayings like, ‘MARRIAGE IS FOR QUITTERS’… or ‘PAY YOUR HALF THE RENT YOU SCUM’.. or ‘QUIT USING ALL THE
FORMULA MONEY FOR DRUGS’… How about that??
How about a little cupid that shoots people with his arrows? But then, instead of falling in love… they just bleed. How about that? We can call it ‘Lonelytines’; where no one talks to each other, and people exchange broken hearts and one night stands… and do it all in the name of being lonely?
Wouldn’t that make it fair? Now those of us who don’t have someone can feel a part of something fun, just like those of us do who have someone feel on Valentines. And on Lonelytines we could talk smack about people that are in love, and we could throw eggs at their houses, and set fire to their car ‘passenger seats’—a necessity only to those who have someone to spend time with.
Indeed it would be quite a day of revelry and depressing reflection on ones inability to find another person to care for. It would be a chance for loneliness, which is just as strong a feeling as love, to be given its time to shine. Maybe we could also get a little evil and when we see a little baby in a diaper, one that kinda’ resembles Valentines’ Cupid, we could give them a dirty look, or softly push them down on the ground (if they are able to walk, or learning to walk); but, only if they are wearing a diaper and resemble Cupid.
The biggest problem that comes with starting an Anti-Valentine’s Day, is that it may lead to people starting other ‘opposite’ or ‘anti’ holidays. For example, you may have an Anti-Easter where people put Jesus back into the ground, get their guns, and kill rabbits. Or an Anti-Thanksgiving where we disguise ourselves like Indians, attack white people, and act really unthankful for everything.
Actually, I’m probably looking a little to far into this. Maybe ‘Lonelytines’ would stand on its own, and be the only anti-holiday; as it probably should. A very special day, that finally makes being lonely fun.
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