Theo Von

I was LIVE from the U.S. Open?

All you need is legs.

Saw this obvious Beatles fan in my neighborhood the other day, he was singing All You Need Is Love. I couldn't help but sing All You Need Is Legs.

Worst Roommate ever..

So i wake up in the middle of the night to make some warm milk. When i get into the kitchen, i hear crunching under my feet, i think to myself... 'When did we get crunchy floors?'. I look over and see a SIGN written on the back of an envelope that says BROKEN GLASS. Really? BROKEN GLASS!!!! Instead of cleaning up the BROKEN GLASS, my roommate had put a sign that said Broken Glass. Who does that? UNBELIEVABLE. Maybe ill put a sign in his bed that says LOOSE PYTHON, or put a sign in his shower that says MURDERER IN THE APARTMENT. Unreal. Damn humans.

Worst Roommate ever..

So i wake up in the middle of the night to make some warm milk. When i get into the kitchen, i hear crunching under my feet, i think to myself... 'When did we get crunchy floors?'. I look over and see a SIGN written on the back of an envelope that says BROKEN GLASS. Really? BROKEN GLASS!!!! Instead of cleaning up the BROKEN GLASS, my roommate had put a sign that said Broken Glass. Who does that? UNBELIEVABLE. Maybe ill put a sign in his bed that says LOOSE PYTHON, or put a sign in his shower that says MURDERER IN THE APARTMENT. Unreal. Damn humans.

Saw Barbara Bush this Morning...

I saw a Barbara Bush wannabe this morning in my neighborhood. An obvious ploy by the Republican party to get us to remember the good old days. I didnt buy into it, instead referring to her as a 'phony' and telling her to get some sunglasses, so she wouldnt have to squint.

Who knew Iraq was an exfoliant ?

So I’m in Iraq performing for military.  Its been a blast, but I was not prepared for 130 degree temperatures, and SAND STORMS.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m no ‘weather-gina’. I’ve been stuck in some inclement weather.   Sure have.   Lost a tooth in a hail storm when I was nine.  Camped out in the eye of a Category 5 hurricane doing ‘Off the Cuff’ pelican rescue in Cabo San Lucas in 2001.  I lost thousands of dollars in an Ant Farm start-up that went under when Katrina hit the gulf south.   

So its easy to say that I’ve been fearful of Mother Nature’s breath and brew.  Until I came to Iraq, and got caught in a sand storm. NEVER HAS MY SKIN LOOKED SO GOOD. Sand has been flying horizontally in thirty mile per hour winds for days.  IT’S A MIRACLE.  I went for a run the other day and all of my dead skin, caloses, keloids, moles, loose morals, and external scar tissue was exfoliated off of my body.  Its UNREAL.  In just a two mile jog I look like a new born with a hematoma fetish.  Sure I’m missing an eye brow, and my kneecaps don’t work anymore, but ‘who’s counting’, right!!!   Look out Loofah,  if I can bottle this sandstorm and sell it, I’m gonna be living high on the hog !! 

I found someone's name...

So i found someone's name on the sidewalk today. It's on this 'My name is LULU' nametag.  I bet its from a local 'Homeless Meet and Greet' that they hold in my town, Santa Monica, every Sunday.  Its where homeless people get together to meet other homeless people.  I've been.  It stinks, and there's alot of people with multiple personality disorders, so they are wearing like 3 nametags each, and dogtags from the military, and hospital bracelets, and all of them have different names on them.  So its a toss up trying to 'really' get to meet anyone there.  Plus, everyone is sharing cigarettes, and the whole crowd smells 'landfill-ish'. At one point someone STOLE a contact lens OUTTA MY EYE.  really!  i thought it had fallen out, but then i remembered someone brushing their hand against my face and everything being kinda blurry after.  So lame!!  Booooooooo!!   

Nonetheless, LULU obviously had a tough day/night, if the tag ended up tattered in the rain.  I hope the person is better off than their name currently is.  Also,  their is a drop of something reddish brown on the tag that could be chocolate or blood.  I'd bet blood, or chocolaty blood.  

Anyhow, i just took this photo, so if anyone lost their NAME.  They can find it on the SE corner of Broadway and Lincoln Blvd. in Santa Monica, CA.